Trump Warns Of Leftist Insurrection — Experts Confirm It’s Just People Asking For Affordable Healthcare

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump on Friday declared a “national emergency of socialism,” warning that a vast Antifa network is plotting to destroy America through suspicious activities such as affordable healthcare, living wages, and recycling.

“They’re everywhere,” Trump told reporters, holding up a chart labeled ‘Socialist Activities’  that included “voting Democrat,” “using public libraries,” and “knowing what Scandinavia is.” “They want to turn this country into Canada. And we can’t have that.”

Homeland Security has reportedly launched investigations into several “subversive” organizations, including the AARP, Meals on Wheels, and the Girl Scouts, whose recent cookie campaign raised suspicion.

“We’re seeing dangerous patterns,” Kristi Noem warned. “These Antifa radicals are spreading their message faster than we can censor it.”

Meanwhile, experts confirmed that the so-called “leftist insurrection” mostly consists of citizens asking for healthcare, student-loan relief, and breathable air. “If that’s a revolution,” one analyst noted, “it’s the politest one in history.”