U.S. Bombs Big Holes in Ground, Iran Moves Nukes to Slightly Different Ground

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After launching what he called “a flawless, 100% obliteration-style ultra strike,” President Trump is now facing awkward questions after early reports suggest key parts of Iran’s nuclear program may have, in fact, survived.

“They can’t just move it!”  Trump shouted from his golf cart. “That’s cheating! I pressed the boom button. When you press the boom button, the thing goes bye-bye. That’s how war works.”

According to a leaked Defense Intelligence Agency report, Iran successfully relocated much of its uranium and enrichment equipment before the U.S. airstrikes. This means the United States may have spent several million dollars just to bully a mountain.

Nonetheless, White House officials doubled down: “When you bomb a location, and then that location is a hole, you won,” said Trump’s envoy Steve Witkoff. “Where is the uranium now? Not in that hole. Case closed.”

Vice President JD Vance echoed the sentiment, stating, “Even if Iran still has the uranium, if they have to walk farther to reach it, that’s a major setback. That’s strategic physics.”

Meanwhile, Iran has remained mostly quiet, aside from posting a video of nuclear material being wheeled into a different tunnel labeled ‘Definitely Not A Bomb Place.’

At press time, Trump was reportedly preparing a follow-up strike on “whichever mountain the uranium is hiding under now.”