U.S. Student Survives Second School Shooting — JD Vance Offers ‘Thoughts and Prayers’

PROVIDENCE — An American college student survived her second mass shooting this weekend, a milestone Vice President JD Vance acknowledged by offering the time-tested, least effective response: “thinking of and praying for the victims.”

The student, now a sophomore at Brown University, previously lived through the 2018 Parkland shooting as a middle schooler. She told reporters that Saturday’s tragedy left her feeling like she was 12 again—an emotional regression lawmakers say is unfortunate but ultimately less concerning than upsetting the average American gun owner.

Vance’s ‘thoughts and prayers’ were offered shortly after the shooting, which killed two people and wounded nine. The VP’s office confirmed the prayers were sincere, carefully worded, and designed to expire immediately upon public consumption.

President Trump also weighed in, calling Brown University “a great school” and noting that “things can happen.”

Meanwhile, Congress responded with its traditional moment of silence, followed by a moment of forgetting, followed by another moment of explaining why nothing can be done.

Lawmakers assured the public that any meaningful gun reform would unfairly punish responsible gun owners—a group now defined as “everyone except people who do mass shootings.”