US-China Trade Wars Part V: The Empire Strikes Rare Earth

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Marking the latest entry in what critics are calling “the year’s lamest series,” the United States and China have signed yet another trade agreement, this one reportedly focused on rare earth minerals and light concessions.

President Trump declared the deal a “massive victory” during a press conference held entirely in front of a green screen of the Great Wall. “I told China, ‘We want your dirt. The good dirt. The magnetic dirt.’ And we got it. Nobody’s ever gotten dirt like this,” Trump said, tapping a map of Australia for some reason.

In return, the United States will ease some restrictions on Chinese imports and allegedly grant China “a limited-use pass” for advanced American semiconductors, “as long as they swear not to copy them.”

Critics, however, remain skeptical.

“Frankly, we’ve been trapped in a loop,” said former trade official Jeff Moon. “Every deal is the same show with different costumes. It’s like a rebooted soap opera, but the tariffs are real.”

China’s Commerce Ministry released a statement saying it was “cautiously optimistic” that this agreement would last at least three news cycles.

Insiders report the White House is already drafting Part VI, titled Return of the Semiconductor. The series is expected to conclude around the same time economists stop screaming at their portfolios.