Woke AI Order Confuses Tech Firms: “How Do We Prove a Bot Hates Pronouns?”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump’s new order banning “woke AI” from federal use left Silicon Valley scrambling Thursday to figure out how, exactly, to make a robot pass a culture-war purity test.

The directive, part of Trump’s plan to “crush China in AI,” requires chatbots like Microsoft’s Copilot and OpenAI’s ChatGPT to prove they aren’t secretly “pushing pronouns” or “thinking about intersectionality.”

The White House provided little criteria beyond “not woke,” though one tech consultant floated the idea of “letting users choose which Fox News personality” the chatbot could emulate.

“Do they want us to program the bot to recite the Pledge of Allegiance before answering questions?” one Silicon Valley engineer asked, visibly confused. “If it outputs a rainbow emoji, are we getting sued?”

Civil rights advocates warned the policy effectively pressures companies to abandon years of work combating bias in AI systems. “There’s no such thing as ‘woke AI,’” claimed Alejandra Montoya-Boyer. “There’s AI that discriminates, and AI that tries not to.”

Meanwhile, Trump allies hailed the measure as a “historic win for non-woke software,” promising the U.S. would soon lead the world in creating robots that are “true American patriots.”